27 februarie 2010

Bun, rau, fatal

BUN: Te hotaresti sa nu mai faci copii.
RAU: Nu-ti gasesti pilulele anticonceptionale.
FATAL: Sunt la fiica ta in poseta.

BUN: Fiul tau tot timpul isi face lectiile in camera lui.
RAU: Gasesti o gramada de casete porno in camera lui.
FATAL: Tu esti protagonistul.

BUN: Sotul tau se pricepe la moda de dama.
RAU: Se imbraca in hainele tale.
FATAL: Lui ii stau mai bine.

BUN: Fiul tau s-a maturizat.
RAU: Se reguleaza cu vecina.
FATAL: Si tu.

BUN: Fiica ta in sfirsit si-a gasit de lucru.
RAU: E prostituata.
FATAL: Colegii tai sunt cei mai fideli clienti.

BUN: Dai lectii de sexologie fiicei tale.
RAU: Tot timpul te intrerupe.
FATAL: Si te corecteaza.

BUN: Sotia ta nu vorbeste cu tine.
RAU: Vrea sa divorteze.
FATAL: E avocat.

11 februarie 2010

De Valentine`s Day

Functioneaza, pe cuvant !!!!  
Am auzit de la rudele si urmasii celor ce au incercat.




Da drumul la butelia de gaz din bucatarie, inchide ferestrele si usile, asteapta o jumate de ora, sau mai mult daca poti... si pe urma aprinde bricheta...

 
O sa-ti apara pe tavan numele persoanei iubite !!!




Functioneaza !!! Incercati ...nu va costa nimic !!!

Si jur ca nu ai in suflet iubirea daca nu trimiti la cel putin 50 de persoane….fericeste-i pe toti !!!





si nu uita ca ….




Pentru ceilalti exista Ballentine`s Day !!

5 februarie 2010

Model CV

This Kid will go far…

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
----------------------------------------------
NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If

that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Ipostazele barbatului


































1. Necãsãtorit
2. Cãsãtorit
3. Divortat

3 februarie 2010

Premiile Oscar - varianta romaneasca

Mihai Bendeac  prezinta Premiile Oscar - varianta de Romania: 

Premiul pentru scenografieMarian Vanghelie pentru decorurile thriller-ului post-apocaliptic “Sectorul groazei, razbunarea zapezii”.
Premiul pentru cel mai bun scenariu original – Viorel Hrebenciuc pentru pelicula “Vizita ” cu Mircea Geoana si S.O.Vantu in rolurile principale.
Premiul pentru cel mai bun actor intr-un rol secundar – Mircea Geoana, fiindca e cel mai secundar.
Premiul pentru cea mai buna actrita intr-un rol secundar – Bianca Dragusanu pentru rolul din pelicula “Sotul meu ma inseala cu altul…”
Premiul pentru cea mai buna muzica originala – Sorinel Copilul de Aur pentru coloana sonora a campaniei PDL
Premiul pentru cel mai bun actor intr-un rol principal – Sorin Ovidiu Vantu, fiindca desi pare secundar, e al dracului de principal
Premiul pentru cea mai buna regie – Regia Nationala a Padurilor, care ar trebui redenumita Regia Nationala a Cioturilor.
Premiul pentru cel mai bun filmTraian Basescu pentru science-fictionul “Flacara violet(a)”

Alte propuneri:
Premiul pentru cele mai bune efecte speciale: Karate impotriva unui kid 6, cu Basescu in rol principal. S-a folosit ecranul verde acolo si efectul a iesit deosebit de real.
Cea mai buna animatie: Pixelul albastru.
Cel mai bun scurt-metraj: Geoana presedinte.

Eu propun pentru Emmy de Romania:
Premiul pentru cel mai bun serial drama: Cabinetu` Boc
Premiul pentru cea mai buna mini-serie: Cabinetele Post-Boc
Premiul pentru cel mai bun serial de comedie: Stenogramele ANI - cu Chirieac, Roşca Stănescu si Macovei
Premiul pentru cel mai bun serial politist: Tolontan vs. Clanul Ridzi

Piticii din gradina

Ii mai tineti minte? 
Cei trei pitici din reclama HVB/UniCredit de acum cativa ani ce incercau sa ia un credit.
Pe fata lor se citeste ingrijorarea (cel putin in cazul celor 2 din dreapta - batranii familiei), se intrebau daca vor reusi, daca se incadreaza, daca Naivul (cel din stanga) isi va reveni vreodata, oare cat vor costa medicamentele, oare cat va costa intrarea in politica, si mai ales daca meseria lor de stat degeaba in gradina e destul de bine platita.



Aparent este...

1 februarie 2010

Reteta medicamente


DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.